This is a selection of IMs from my friend Kenny.
Enjoy at your own risk.
Kenny: gigantic ginormous ipa!!!!
Kenny: caused me to leave $7 worth of cream cheese out overnight
Kenny: I didn't really want an 22oz 8.8% beer but my hop czar wasn't cold
Kenny: it was damn good tho
Jon: haha
Jon: that was only 8.8%? Damn boy, you a lightweight
Kenny: dude i was tipsy after 1/3rd of it
Jon: WAT
Jon: wow, that's super lightweight!
Jon: had you not eaten anything for 2-3 days?
Kenny: I had some cheese
(Discussion about Windows 10)
Kenny:one really annoying new feature...
Kenny:when you drag a window to the screen edge to make it automatically snap to half the screen...
Kenny:...on the opposite side, it automatically makes thumbnails of your running apps
Kenny:presumably, for you to click on, to select the app that should then size to the remainder of the screen
Kenny:I do not like that
Kenny:i.e. if I have a segment of a window in the remaining space on the left side, after I snap a window to the right, I want it to stay that way
palehorse:what if you snap it with your window+arrow key?
Kenny:I don't want Windows to "suggest" what I do with it
Kenny:f**k it does the same s**t
palehorse:it's the paperclip all over again
palehorse:lol
Kenny:oh also, CALCULATOR is bloated now!!!!!!
Kenny:it takes like 4 seconds to start
Kenny:calc.exe!
palehorse:really? that's like always been one of the light apps
palehorse:geezus
Kenny:RIP calc.exe
Kenny:as we knew it
Kenny:and... it just seems slower
Kenny: I got lots of freeze dried meals from Cabelas on brack friday
Kenny: for my zombie go-bag
Dvan: there u go
Dvan: kennysurvivalkit
Kenny: and, now I got a can opener I can actually use
Kenny: for years I struggle
Kenny: sawing open tin cylinders of vegetable staples
Kenny: poking holes one at a time around the edge of the can, eventually allowing me to bend the metal with pliers to dispense the contents
Kenny: until my gf bought me - The Left Handed Person's Can Opener
Kenny: her sentiment? "I felt bad for getting frustrated at you that time we were trying to make chili. I now realize that you just have special needs."
Kenny: thus I look forward to enjoying corn and tuna during the zombiepocalypse
Dvan: LOLOLOLOL
Kenny: oh I saw my bulgarian boss
Kenny: on the street... that was a close one
Dvan: you could be working for him
Dvan: uh oh did he see you?!?
Kenny: yeah
Dvan: ur skrood
Kenny: I was typin on my phone, looked up and BOOM there he was, in his big coat
Dvan: lol that's how the mob rolls
Kenny: i must be more cautious
Dvan: one day he'll get you
Kenny: company-announcement! Forks, spoons, and knives are no longer provided. Bring your own from home.
Kenny: ^ wtf
Dvan: WAT
Dvan: They afforded a sign on the building, they should be able to afford silverware or plasticware
Kenny: so dumb
Kenny: I also have no trash can
Dvan: yea
Dvan: this is true
Dvan: but you have ajob
Kenny: yeah I should be thankful
Dvan: yeah you should
Later on...
Kenny: wahoo Trash Can!
Kenny: & a recycling bin w0w
Kenny: the bathroom is out of order
Kenny: guess I will TAS at Jimmy Johns
Dvan: lol
Kenny: man JJ's is too fast
Kenny: if u don't pick up ur sandwich in 30 sec they holler it out
Kenny: I don't like the fast past atmosphere for my intended use of their bathroom
Dvan: lol
Dvan: #firstworldproblems
Dvan: how was christmas in your tiny apt?
Kenny: went to Sequim, WA
Kenny: nice change from Bend, not as convenient obviously
Kenny: got to play on a rock beach next to my dad's house with tons of crabs and clams and rocks and shellz
Kenny: the church don't have a projector
Kenny: we have HYMNALs
Dvan: haha
Dvan: old skool
Dvan: did u go to church hi?
Kenny: it wore off before I got there
Dvan: lol
Kenny: but before It wore off I pulled over to take a piss, and walked into a mud lake
Dvan: hahahaha
Kenny: & my shoes were loosely tied so when I tried to take a step back, the mud ate my shoe and my sock came out
Kenny: and I steped in the mud with that too
Dvan: lol
Dvan: Karma for something?
Kenny: dunno, but I learned WA definitely has a different terrain than OR
Kenny: ain't desert out there
Kenny: i found some cool hipstor glasses while in NYC
Kenny: going to order them soon
Kenny: https://www.warbyparker.com/eyeglasses/men/wilkie/greystone phat?
Jon: wat
Kenny: i asked them "how can I tell which are mens and which are womens?"
Kenny: they said "all our collection is unisex"
Kenny: hmmmm
Jon: ah so you'll be wearing chick glasses
Kenny: no
Jon: start calling you Lisa Loeb
Kenny: oh yeah she does have glasses like that
Kenny: the canadian money is transparent
Kenny: so dumb
Dvan: What a bunch of loonies.
Dvan: (instant rimshot)
Kenny: i don't get it
Kenny: loon
Kenny: is a bird
Dvan: ugh
Dvan: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loonie
Kenny: oh cool
Dvan: Your canadian name should be "Kensington".
Kenny: yeah that's what my co-worker calls me
Kenny: actually I am going to Kensington when we get there
Kenny: https://www.google.com/maps/@43.655008,-79.402207,3a,66.8y,170.88h,80.18t/data=!3m3!1e1!3m1!2e0!6m1!1e1?hl=en this is canada? look like mexico
Kenny: "discount food and clothing" wat
Dvan: "Home of the famous chicken stew crepe"
Dvan: LOL
Kenny: woah wtf
Kenny: that sounds like a terrible idea
Dvan: yeah it really does
Dvan: but apparently it's famous.
Kenny: that's why we have the word INfamous
Kenny: going to NYC too
Jon: wow
Kenny: never been
Jon: you movin' on up
Kenny: bought new walking shoes
Kenny: but they will probably kick me out of the nice bars for sneakers
Kenny: hmm
Kenny: need a crushable blazer
Jon: yeah, you need to drop like 2 Gs on new clothes just for NYC
Kenny: yeayea
Kenny: got a NYC haircut today
Kenny: long on the top and short on the sides
Kenny: and a $22 palmade
Kenny: pomade
Kenny: w/e
Jon: isn't that a Macklemore cut?
Kenny: ah, yep
Jon: he's from Seattle
Kenny: been there; done that
Kenny: time square
Jon: huh. Apparently a New York haircut is a thing.
Kenny: brook lynnbridge
Kenny: 30 rawk
Kenny: metropolican op'ra
Jon: if you don't visit the 9/11 memorial you're not a real American
Kenny: oh right
Kenny: i will try to sneak in
Jon: Yeah THAT's how you should do
Jon: you still got the beard?
Kenny: yes
Kenny: i made sure to get a haircut compatible with it
Jon: then don't try to sneak into 9/11 Memorial there, TALIBAN
Kenny: allah allah jiahahah
Kenny: wat
Kenny: why does it say Abernathy now
Kenny: u going all formal on me?
Jon: I installed Skype because pidgin wasn't connecting to old MSN
Kenny: oh
Jon: thus far, not liking it
Kenny: mine still works
Kenny: hah yeah
Jon: it irritates me greatly that I have to install a video conferencing program to use IM for one service.
Jon: why the hell can't everyone use google talk
Jon: ...gtalk is based on jabber, and hangouts is awesome
Kenny: jibber jabber
Kenny: yeah i have heard of companies using hangouts lately
Jon: hangouts even has a drawing tool built in. It's great
Kenny: 3====D
Kenny: 3=m==D
Jon: now imagine if you could draw a better dick!
Jon: You'd be in heaven
Kenny: yea
Kenny: 3m====D
Kenny: 3=m===D
Kenny: 3==m==D
Kenny: 3===m=D
Kenny: 3====mD
Kenny: 3===m=D
Kenny: 3==m==D
Kenny: 3=m===D
Kenny: 3m====D
Kenny: 3=====D~~~~
Kenny: ?
Jon: really?
Kenny: Heh.
Kenny: WHOPS i just pasted that into the SA?N
Kenny: san
Jon: lol
Kenny: "ken why did you configure volume access from a server called three equals D?"
Jon: "Because I pulled the plug on that server"
Jon: you should send that to your girlfriend
Kenny: hmm yeah she has asked me to text and e-mail her more often during the week
Jon: haha
Jon: I'll bet that stops after you send it
Kenny: Jon: are you having a stroke?
Kenny: why does jon ask me this like 3 times a year
Dvan: It's a valid question.
Dvan: Well, based on the IMs you've sent me in the past...
a little later...
Kenny: ? do you think i can start this trend of putting question mark in frnt of sentences
Dvan: ? maybe
Kenny: ? doesn't it seem to make more sense
Dvan: ? no
Dvan: You should do that to Jon. Maybe he'll ask you if you're having a stroke again.
Kenny: lol
Kenny: after work sometimes i go home and "have a stroke"
Dvan: omg tmi
Kenny: i was trying to squat these guys
Kenny: http://www.fcb.com
Kenny: wait no
Kenny: oh yeah, them
Kenny: trying to squat http://www.fcb.com people
Kenny: ad agency... but this chick thought i was trying to squat her ball team
Jon: you realize there's a law against cybersquatting, right? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anticybersquatting_Consumer_Protection_Act
Kenny: s**t
Jon: that's just if you're buying up the trademarked name domains with intent to sell.
Jon: if you're buying more generic but valuable ones, that's okay
Jon: like "his.church"
Kenny: gracebible.church
Jon: though if you bought westboro.church I'd be all for that. Put some porn on it or something
Kenny: i considered ti
Jon: get on it!!
Jon: what are they gonna do, picket you?
Kenny: :| my iPhone UPS trakcing number only says "label created"
Kenny: suppost to be delivered tomorrow!
Kenny: if they lie to me I wil piss on the grave of steve jobs
Kenny: actually no. It's not his fault
Kenny: Steve would never have allowed this to happen.
Dvan: Steve Jobs is laughing at your #whitewhine predicament from above.
Kenny: dude
Kenny: last night i bought (domain).church for $200
Kenny: listed it for sale for $1999
Kenny: someone just bot it
Dvan: haha nice!!
Dvan: instant profit
Kenny: yeah that was crazy
Dvan: or prophet
Kenny: lol
Kenny:attempting to squat .church domains
palehorse:cool, take advantage of organized religion
palehorse:i like it
Kenny:yea
Kenny:should know here in a few minutes which ones i got
Kenny:pass the collection plate!
palehorse:heretic
Kenny:oh dang, .church don't go live till wednesday
Kenny:unless i pay $190 per domain
palehorse:foiled!!! what's the Christian version of Karma?
Kenny:well i already got 4
Kenny:which i believe were worth the $190 each
Kenny:i have about 10 more that i was hoping to get for $40 each
Kenny:Alina Slutsky
Kenny:Copilot System Analyst, Compellent Storage
Kenny:Dell | Support Services - Copilot Optimize
Kenny:unfortunate surname
palehorse:haha
palehorse:that's awesome
Kenny: so i think i accidentally unplugged a very important server today
Kenny: i am trying to insist that it's dell's fault
Kenny: can't have them conclude it was me
Kenny: dell has narrowed it down to a "Power Event"
Kenny: so they are closing in on me
Kenny: :|
Jon: oh you're done
Kenny: noob mistake
Kenny: i wnated to wear this shirt today that was too long and imo needed to be tucked in
Kenny: but no one here tucks in
Kenny: so i wore it un-tucked (jeans) but then i got paranoid so on my walk back from lunch i decided to tuck in half of it
Kenny: sort of like so it looks accidental
Kenny: and unkempt
Kenny: yet not too long
Kenny: so anyway as i get close to my office i saw one of the chuckleheads from the architecture firm the bulgarians share an office with
Kenny: he had headphones on, but still decided he needed to communicate, "SHIRT-- SHIRT'S GETTING UNTUCKED"
Kenny: so that backfired
Kenny: who tucks into jeans anyway?
Jon: apparently you?
Kenny: what i want to know is, why does the bathroom appear carpeted
Jon: probably because it is?
Jon: gross
Kenny: yea
Jon: it's absorbed all the fluids over the years
Kenny: yeah
Jon: hope you don't mind catching some weird VD from that bathroom
Jon: "WTF I took a bath and now I have herpes?"
Jon: your GF's gonna be PISSED
Kenny: Wall-to-Wall Carpet in the Bathroom: Ewww or Ahhh?
Kenny: Ewww! 230 Ahhh! 14
Jon: lol
Kenny: s**t
Kenny: portland getting a meadery
Kenny: u jelly?
Kenny: today im going to look at a house next to migration brewery
Kenny: fixer-upper
Jon: Me jelly? No
Jon: We had a meadery. Now we have like 3 cideries
Jon: nice, next to a brewery
Jon: there goes your alcohol budget
Kenny: s**t
Kenny: i forgot i won't have an alcohol budget after i move in
Jon: well, mabye. With a fixer it's going to be cheaper, right?
Kenny: $307k
Jon: just forget any repairs and buy beer instead
Jon: WAT
Kenny: :| it's in a good location and has 2ba
Jon: that ain't no fixer-upper unless you like in Dubai or something
Kenny: it's by a brewery tho
Kenny: prime location
Kenny: so a roommate will want to be there
Kenny: i can get $700/mo
Jon: no way, it shouldn't be a fixer at that price damn
Jon: yeah I know how well you pick roommates
Regarding the past workplace...
Kenny:saw one of their people at the foodcarts today
Kenny:i think we pretended not to see each other
Regarding present workplace...
Kenny:yesterday a guy here fell asleep
Kenny:started snoring at 4:15
Kenny:it was awkward for me so i stept out to get coffee
Kenny:forutnately he was gone when i came back - went home heh
Kenny: where is donovan
Jon: he died
Kenny: wat
Jon: freak accident, his juicer went haywire
Kenny: im trying to buy a house i need him to be my rock
Kenny: he will tell me im an idiot
Kenny: somehow this is a good thing
Jon: sorry man, dunno what to tell you
Kenny:gonna get a kegerator for new office?
palehorse:more than a kegerator
Kenny::D
palehorse:4'x8' cooler
palehorse:12 taps
Kenny:wtf
Kenny:i hate u
Dvan: uhmm don't you work?
Kenny: o crap
Dvan: Mr. T says, "BACK TO WORK, FOOL!"
Kenny: ok. Went to get coffe so I could get back to work, and on the way I noticed, there is a sticker on the exterior of the window that says, Protected By Alarm System.
Kenny: ...we are on the 4th floor.
Dvan: building scalers?
Kenny: yea
Kenny: or maybe it's for burds
Dvan: or...
Dvan: maybe the last person that had your job wasn't working so they threw them out the window and it broke. Had to replace from window on first floor.
Kenny: Last person that had my job got murdered
Kenny: tony something... when i find out his last name we can google it
Kenny: but thats what they tell me
Dvan: I TOLD YOU
Kenny: :|
