This is a selection of IMs from my friend Kenny.
Enjoy at your own risk.
Kenny: carrying a pocket knife is life changing, i got one a few years back , use it every other day but today was the day i s**t my pants at work
Jon: Wut
Kenny: yeah i'm sick but went in anyway bc i'm out of pto
Jon: So many questions
Kenny: cut my underwear off, put in garbage & went commando
Kenny: nbd
Dvan: I'm at a loss here
Jon: ... Why would you cut them off??
Kenny: they were full of crap
Kenny: not gonna deal
Jon: But self contained, when you cut them off it's like you slit a bag open
Jon: Gotta be honest, I didn't have "I'm out of PTO so I s**t my pants at work" on my bingo card
Dvan: Having young children, you'd think he'd be skilled in this.
Jon: Or at least be carrying a spare
Dvan: lol true
Kenny: didn't bring the diaper bag
Jon: I'm curious what (wife, former GFGF) said when you told her...
Kenny: i walked in the door, said "i'm not wearing underwear" with a wink, and she said "you s**t your pants at work?"
Jon: WHAT
Jon: Is this not the first time?
Kenny: it is, she knows me tho
The brand new IMs from Kenny 2.0 is now launched! And with that, a new gem of a message.
Kenny: I started taking the dog cr@p I find on my lawn and flicking it into the street
Kenny: Now other people can walk in it and get mad at the irresponsible dog owners as well
Kenny: Hopefully this will raise awareness
Dvan: lol
Dvan: You need one of those "please no poop in my yard" signs.
Jon: I think that's fair, as long as it's not your own
Kenny: Yes I have considered signs, also maybe one that says POOP CAMERA
Jon: "POOP CAMERA" is probably something you shouldn't advertise, that might mean something else
Dvan: lol
Dvan: As long as it's not in a restroom
Kenny: I f**ked up and ate the pregnant lady’s jam
Dvan: what
palehorse: Context please🤣
Dvan: Yeah there's a lot missing here.
Jon: ....either (wife, former GFGF) is pregnant again or he's at the new job?
Kenny: We went out to breakfast yesterday and the raspberry jam is special I guess so (wife, former GFGF) asked for a little ramekin to go, but I had a leftover croissant, I assumed it was for that
15 minutes ago I’m dipping a phat wad of croissant into the little ramekin and she walks in
💀
She’s really pissed
Dvan: Is this your way of telling us you are having baby #2? Because Congrats?
Kenny: lol yes, due in July. it’s a girl
Dvan: Congratulations! 😂
Jon: congrats I guess, if you survive the day
Kenny: I have to drive back to the god damn restaurant today
Dvan: yes you do. Note for future reference: keep a small thing of store-bought raspberry jam hidden for emergencies.
palehorse: Congrats! And extra points for the method of announcement, very unconventional. LOL
Kenny: I thought I told you guys earlier hmm
Maybe my previous method was even less conventional
Jon: I just searched and you only said "if it was just me and non-pregnant (wife, former GFGF)" in a conversation and we all missed it
probably assumed you meant the first kid pregnancy
Kenny: hah
Kenny: new iPhone will be 1200 bux
Kenny: Where do I order!
Jon: At the Gullibility Store
Kenny: gonna give my sister a spotify gift card for christmas, then say hey, let's sign up for the family plan, now give me that back
Dvan: lol
Dvan: dude
Dvan: you're a dick4
Kenny: no it's win win
Dvan: no, you're a dick4
Kenny: what's a dick4 ?
Dvan: yaaasssss you said it
Kenny: S#IT
Kenny: u ARE 4
Dvan: LOL
Kenny: so my parents came over so there has been a lot of chatter in my house more than usual
Dvan: huh
Dvan: "chatter"
Kenny: the freaking Amazon Dot, alexa has been poking her head in conversations she doens't belong
Kenny: i.e. false positives
Kenny: too bad
Dvan: LOLOL
Dvan: It would be confusing if you had a relative named Alexa
Kenny: mostly the phrase "likes it"
Kenny: triggers Alexa
Dvan: oh wow
Kenny: and since I beat the s**t out of my cat and my parents watch in horror
Kenny: I have to remind them He Likes It
Dvan: wat
Dvan: are you a catbuser?
Kenny: my cat likes 2 be spanked
Kenny: he's into that
Dvan: uhhhhhhhh
Kenny: he likes it rough
Dvan: does he meow really sensually when you do that?
Kenny: yes
Dvan: .......................
Kenny: he cries for more
Dvan: <.<
Kenny: bro is this convo making u UnCoMfOrTaBlE?
Dvan: Actually, I'm not surprised at all.
Well That took a wrong turn deep into the recesses of I don't wanna go there...
Kenny: my uber driver this morning "LADY TODAY, SHE LOOK AT CAR, LOOK AT FACE, MATCH IT TO PICTURE, SHE WAS SO CAREFUL"
Kenny: I said "yeah, I don't blame her for being careful. I don't need to be that careful though, no one would want me in their car unless I was paying them"
Kenny: driver, "HEY, COME ON, YOU A HANDSOME MAN"
Kenny: ...
Kenny: silence after that
Kenny doesn't know how to take a complement sometimes...
Kenny: went to a Shrubs and Roses class at PCC last night, he was reading popular Rose variety names
Kenny: couldn't help but think they all sounded like w33d strains
Kenny: Reefer or Rose? Julia Child
Kenny: Reefer or Rose? Betty Boop
Kenny: Reefer or Rose? Sexy Rexy
Dvan: LOL
Dvan: all reefer
Dvan: all
Kenny: lol
This conversation is ongoing, so this IM might be updated later. Stay tuned!
Kenny: in the jerky store some guy was a dick to me
Kenny: afterwards I asked her (GF) if she heard that
Kenny: she said "yeah, because u were a dick to him"
Kenny: WHAT
Dvan: lol
Dvan: sounds about right
Kenny: heh (wife, former GFGF) wants a new car, at dinner with her parents, I said, "el camino"
Kenny: she's like "OH" and googles el camino
Kenny: I guess she has never heard of them
Kenny: so she finds a pic and is like EWW NO and shows it to her parents
Kenny: they're like WE KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dvan: OMG hahahahaaha
Dvan: Dude at least her parents knew hehe
Kenny: also in the same conversation
Kenny: we were reading reviews and it said such and such car has problems with oxygen sensor
Kenny: so she says what's an oxygen sensor
Kenny: her dad goes WELL IT'S A DEVICE THAT MAKES SURE THE CABIN OF THE CAR HAS ENOUGH O2, TO KEEP PASSENGERS HEALTHY AND COMFORTABLE
Dvan: uhhhhhh
Kenny: obviously he is joking so I look at her and smile
Dvan: oh I see where this is going
Kenny: and she has a straight face like "oh ok"
Dvan: lol
Kenny: :|
FYI: GFGF means "gluten free girlfriend" in case you didn't know. That's a whole 'nother topic...
Kenny: zappos customer service of course is good, but when you get their Filipino call center, things are a little ... off
Kenny: "MAY I ASK SIR WHAT IS THE TIME IN YOUR LOCATION?"
Kenny: "umm, 6:36pm"
Kenny: "OH I SEE YOU ARE GETTING READY TO TAKE YOUR DINNER THEN?"
Kenny: "hmm, yeah"
Kenny: "WHAT MAY I ASK, ARE YOU PLANNING FOR THE DINNER?"
Kenny: "we are going to make nachos..."
Kenny: "AH YES, THAT WILL BE PERFECT, THE NACHOS, I WISH YOU COULD PROVIDE ME SOME, HA HA"
Dvan: LOL
Dvan: HA. HA. HA.
Kenny: it was so scripted and cheesy
Dvan: I LIKE THE NACHOS TOO.
Dvan: Yeah, no doubt.
Kenny: when they do it in the US it's fun
Kenny: much more natural
Dvan: hehehe
Kenny: but I find this interesting. when you call, the IVR says "Did you know we provide free tours of our headquarters? The agent you speak to may have a tour group right next to them. If you would prefer to speak to an agent away from a tour group, press 1 now"
Kenny: not sure why
Dvan: hahaahh
Dvan: interesting.
Dvan: I'm still chuckling about "THE NACHOS"
Kenny: I liked "That will be perfect"
Kenny: WTF how does she know what foods will be perfect for me
Kenny: what if I hate natchos
Dvan: lol yup
Kenny: I think she thinks "perfect" means "good" or "great"
Dvan: Well, you wouldn't have said, "Nachos" if you didn't like them, right?
Dvan: Yeah, probably does.
Kenny: also, the shoes I ordered were $36, the ones I was exchanging, were $32... so she says, "THE NEW ITEM YOU WANT, COSTS MUCH ADDITIONAL OF THE ORIGINAL ITEM"
Kenny: she must think "much" just means "more"
Dvan: lol
Dvan: $4 MUCH MORE
Dvan: heh
Kenny: I was scared when she said "much"
Kenny: hmm, I accidentally opened up a web browser, bc I wanted to check my mail
Kenny: Literally. My mail that comes to my house
Dvan: LOL
Kenny: can someone please explain to me, how TP gets in the urinal
Dvan: uhh been wondering the same thing
Kenny: when I see it at Fred Meyer, etc, I just assume some psycho bum was in there messing around
Dvan: Oh yeah, prolly
Kenny: but since it apparently happens at work...
Dvan: heh
Kenny: there isn't even TP in arm's length
Kenny: I do play this game though, there is the usual exposed valve pipe part of the urinal...
Kenny: there is a really nice, heavy, shiny, chrome valve cover
Kenny: I always unscrew it a lot, not so it falls off
Dvan: LOL
Dvan: troll
Kenny: you can't tell by looking at it.... yet somehow, it's always tight again within a day or so
Dvan: haha
Dvan: someone is OCD and tightens it up?
Kenny: yeah there is really not much else to "play" with while standing there, so I assume someone else has found it a toy too
Dvan: Uhh yeah you better not be playing with anything else standing there. :/
Aannnd we're back finally with another IM from Kenny. WTF Kenny??
Kenny: christmas for my mom... Dell warranty renewal on her laptop
Kenny: in my mind = I give the best gifts
Kenny: in my mom's mind = ... "thanks."
Dvan: lol
Dvan: I know it's from your heart but it's kinda an ass gift
Dvan: no offense
Kenny: I am getting her kitchen shears
Kenny: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002IMMEW?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00
Kenny: these things are sharp as f***
Dvan: i hope you get her something else other than kitchen scissors
Kenny: :|
Kenny: homemade granola ?
Kenny: dog treats
Dvan: try again
Kenny: spotify gift card
Dvan: try again
Kenny: wat the granola is a gr8 idea
Dvan: Hmm maybe. but...
Kenny: who don't like oats
Kenny: in cluster form
Dvan: yo mamma bahahahahah
Kenny: :||||
Kenny: I want Legionnaire's
Kenny: sounds really refined and fancy
Dvan: WTF KENNY
Dvan: huh. Yeah, I don't think you do.
Kenny: oh ok, well I was thinking crabs would be acceptable
Kenny: heh I guess my dad catches them in traps off his shore
Kenny: he invited me and (wife, former GFGF) to join him
Dvan: I hope it's different crabs
Kenny: so I told (wife, former GFGF) "my dad wants us to visit so he can give us crabs"
Dvan: lol
Kenny: she paused and then said. "And just how will he be transmitting them?"
Dvan: omg kenny
Kenny: AirBnb new slogen - "sleep in their beds to know their dreams"
Kenny: ^ not creepy at all
Jon: wut
Kenny: https://twitter.com/Airbnb/status/620959696384438272
Jon: well goddamn that's weird
Kenny: It is beautiful
Kenny: I only want to stay at AirBnb where I can meet the host
Kenny: I want to make a connection
Kenny: I want to experience their full aura
Jon: more like they'll end up wearing a Kenny skin suit
Kenny:So I might have spent almost a month's salary on new domain names...
Kenny:that is, if I get them all. Tomorrow 9:00am I find out
palehorse:wow
palehorse:going all in
Kenny:yes.
Kenny:mostly .church
Kenny:I didn't even get westside.church
Kenny:it's still available
Kenny:green.life is $190
Kenny:I didn't get that one
Kenny:but I think it has a nice ring to it
Kenny:for pot smokers, activists, or hippies
Kenny:green.life still available too
palehorse:Hehe
Kenny:my favorite: jewish.life
Kenny:I hope i get that one
palehorse:l'chaim
Kenny:heh
Kenny:one thing that confuse me, one megachurch, registered the domains of all the other megachurches... and redirected to each one, respectively
Kenny:like some kind of community service
palehorse:confusing that someone did something nice?
Kenny:yeah
Kenny:there's a reason that GoDaddy's alternate name is Wild West domains :P
Kenny:oh man and I missed this awesome domain by 1 day:
Kenny:start.today
Kenny:!@$*#
palehorse:You need to go do DA - Domains Anonymous
Kenny:the way I justify it, if I don't do it, I will always regret it
Kenny:"should have..."
Kenny:for example, .coms in the late 90's
Kenny:I wish I was 3 years older bakc then
Kenny:& realized what was going on and borrowed my mom's CC
palehorse:Yep....addict...
Kenny:lol
Kenny: I spent 4 hours last night squatting .school domains
Kenny: centralhigh.school, fairviewhigh.school
Kenny: unfortunately I don't think public schools have the money I would like to extort from them
Kenny: I attempted to get deaf.school and autistic.school tho
Dvan: lol
Dvan: you should get home.school
Kenny: I'm thinknig those might have more $$$ behind them
Kenny: oh yeah I tried, there are a lot of good ones like old.school
Kenny: all taken. dude someone beat me to after.school by ONE day
Kenny: I'm so pissed
Dvan: wtf
Dvan: you got ".school" ed!!!
Kenny: I signed up for a sensory deprivation chamber thursday
Kenny: 90 minutes for $35
Dvan: uhm
Kenny: gonna get all spiritual
Dvan: so they take your phone away and put you in a padded room?
Kenny: although I think I have to change my cat's s**tbox aftre
Dvan: sounds like prison
Kenny: no, it's a floater
Kenny: float box
Dvan: wat
Kenny: hmm
Dvan: "floater"?
Dvan: ???
Dvan: ????????????????
Kenny: float tank
Kenny: http://www.floatshoppe.com/fs/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Float-Shoppe-009-600x400.jpg
Dvan: lol looks like a litter box.
Dvan: ........
Kenny: http://www.floatshoppe.com/float-tanks/floataway-tranquility/
Kenny: that's the one I sgined up for
Kenny: they say not to do drugs beforehand
Dvan: Is this along the lines of that gal who cuddles for a living??
Kenny: we shall see
Dvan: lol yeah don't do drugs before
Kenny: they say I might need to spend some time in their lobby before re-introducing myself to the world
Kenny: because it will be shocking
Dvan: wow that sounds very new-agey
Dvan: Make sure your chakra's are aligned before you go in and leave the chamber.
Dvan: bring your crystals!
Kenny: yea
Dvan: So do you just float in the water by yourself or do you sit on something?
Dvan: Skeptical Dvan is skeptical.
Dvan: But I guess you can't go wrong at $35.
Dvan: Whatever *floats* your boat. :D
Kenny: ok so I half to sign a Congratulations New Babby card etc etc for a new parent on my team
Kenny: so I don't know what to write so I googled for ideas
Kenny: so I found this one on a site
Kenny: "Your horoscope suggests that you have a busy few months ahead. Diapers to change and rejection to clean"
Kenny: ?? "rejection"? my best guess is this was translated and means barf
Dvan: wow wtf
Dvan: JUst say, "Contrats!"
Kenny: i should say some wish of some kind
Kenny: this is why I don't like happy Birthday cards past around the office
Kenny: I can't just write freakin Happy Brithday
Dvan: Well, don't write "Welcome to the end of your life."
Kenny: i siad "good luck adjusting to your new boss"
Dvan: lol nice call.
Kenny:why my business card has fax on it
Kenny::/
Kenny:I make fun of the Dell sales troll
Kenny:"ha ha you have fax numbeR?"
Kenny:then he's like "Umm. yours has a fax number."
Kenny::| :|
palehorse:lol...pwned
Kenny: http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/jaw-bone-discovered-in-ethiopia-is-oldest-known-human-lineage-remains/ar-BBienMl?ocid=iehp why they use the word homo so much in this???
Kenny: who cares caveman sexualitty!
Dvan: *facepalm*
Kenny: speaking of faceplam
Kenny: someone ate the last donut half...
Kenny: and the box... remains.
Kenny: SOME HOMO AMIRITE?
Dvan: *moar facepalm*
Kenny: ask jon if the dress is blue or white
Kenny: but don't tell him i'm the one who wants to know
Dvan: STFU ABOUT THE DRESS!
Kenny: can't tell if that was his response or yours, could go either way
Dvan: that one was mine
Dvan: He said it's whatever color your meds make it today.
Kenny:Just because your plantronics headphones are wireless, does not mean u should take them in the bathroom!
Kenny:it also smells like a cow in here
Kenny:in there
Kenny:anyway I found a bathroom on the 4th floor that's only shared with 3 small offices
Kenny:my happy place
palehorse:like cow?
Kenny:smells like drivingthrough tillamook right now, in the (previous company) 7th floor mens room
Kenny:Just thought you'd like to know.
palehorse:a (previous company)y cow stench....lovely
And he'll be there until the cows come home...
Kenny: SO IS THE DRESS BLUE OR IS IT WHITE?
Jon: Actually the color is white and f**k off
Kenny: ha
We get to the bottom of it.
