This is a selection of IMs from my friend Kenny.
Enjoy at your own risk.
Kenny: don't ever see regular jewgle logo anymore
Kenny: I Can Say That Bc Im a Jew
Dvan: wat
Kenny: yep im 49% ashkenazi jew
Kenny: not sure why they would put the word nazi in a type of jew
Kenny: but that's what it's called
Dvan: so you're not majority so you can't!
Dvan: anti semite
Kenny: s**t
Kenny: i trolled his (boss) calendar and he has an appointment called "george/scott/ken" for 2:00am
Kenny: strange
Kenny: that might be the hour of bulgarian reckoning
Kenny: i will sleep wth one eye open
Dvan: holding your pillow tight
Kenny: Shipping father's day present:
Kenny: anyway fedEx goes, "Anything breakable?"
Kenny:
Kenny: me: "Beer bottles!"
Kenny: so fedex guy pauses and goes, "...Full beer bottles?"
Kenny:
Kenny: me: "Yep!"
Kenny: fedex guy: :| You have to leave now.
Dvan: lol
Kenny: fedex guy felt bad and was trying to help me
Kenny: gave me a way out, i was too dumb to see it
Jon: http://www.dailycurrant.com/2014/06/03/gluten-found-in-portlands-water-supply/ Hope you aren't celiac
Kenny: my gf thinks she is
Kenny: so, she will be ok as long as she doesn't find out
Kenny: wait that is fake
Kenny: yea f**kin hippies
Jon: LOL
Kenny: heh yesterday my gf and i went to a small sandwich shoppe
Kenny: small hence the extra -pe on shop
Kenny: anyway the owner had her back turned
Kenny: so i shuffled my feet... no response
Kenny: gf went AHEM... no response
Kenny: so u can probably guesswhat happpened next
Kenny: i gave that lady a nice burst of throaty whistle
Kenny: "OH!! didn't see you come in!!!"
Kenny: pwnt
Kenny: my gf now is way hotter
Kenny: not as smart but that's ok
Kenny: i can feel superior
Kenny: this morning at 5am my cat was going crazy pawing and meowing at me
Kenny: so i threatened him with my gun
Kenny: it actually worked... he hates the sound of metal
Dvan: wat
Kenny: just gotta remember that in my slumber i chambered a bullet heh
Dvan: i'ma call PETA on you.
Dvan: cause this sounds like a news story in the making.
Kenny:i gotta stop showing people my gun
Kenny:especially gays
palehorse:why?
Kenny:they get freaked out
palehorse:by the gun, or the fact that they know someone that owns one?
Kenny:i guess the gun
Kenny:i.e. like "put that away!!" "don't put that back in there!!"
Kenny:to be fair i purposely ejected the one in the chamber such that it would fly at their chest
palehorse:so you were kinda a dick
palehorse:lol
Kenny:yeah i enjoyed it
Kenny:my ex girlfriend is moving 3 houses away from me
palehorse:uh oh
Kenny:although we are on good terms i do not think my current girlfriend will like that
Kenny:so, when i was "researching" (stalking) this job i want last night...
Kenny:i found that a "senior IT architect" there is a familiar name
Kenny:finally i remembered it was a guy from EFNet that i used to talk to
Kenny:from #oregon, back in 2005 when i first moved to pdx
Kenny:i even remember going to his house once, he gave me a NIC
palehorse:heh, small world
Kenny:anyway i thought ok, that's cool, he may not remember me but it coul come in handy if i go for an in-person interview
Kenny:then i realized i had chat logs
Kenny:so i looked at them... and i was kind of an asshole to him heh
Kenny:so maybe i shouldn't mention it :/
Kenny:i even gave him a shell
palehorse:haha
Kenny:and he gave me a shell
Kenny:he wanted to hang out but i thought he was weird
Kenny:well, obviously he went places
Kenny:during my "research" i found his flickr and he has a really nice house
Kenny:blah
palehorse:karma
Kenny:yep
Kenny:maybe i will just mention that i use EFNet
Kenny:should be enough to score some points, knowing that he used to as well
Kenny:or even irc
Kenny:and not that i know his nick, and that we chatted. although it would be nice to say "i gave you a shell"
Kenny:but at that point he will try to remember me specifically and i am afraid at what he may remember :P
Kenny: new "growler bar" opening
Kenny: not sure what this is
Kenny: but it is called The Big Legrowlski
Jon: lol
Kenny:i remember at (previous company) everyone hated IT so i would always walk through the most crowded part of the office w/ my laptop and notepad so i could look important
palehorse:hah
Kenny:instead of taking the shorter route through the back :P
Kenny: ok so the HR chick wrote:
Kenny: Can you provide three blocks of time Monday and Wednesday
Kenny: onwards that work for a 30 minute call?
Kenny: i had to read it a few times, and finally concluded, what she meant was "any day but tuesday"
Kenny: so i replied that any day at 9:00 is the best for me
Kenny: and she writes back, "Let's schedule Tuesday at 9", lol
palehorse: wtf?
Kenny: wo0, just survived a meeting with my boss
Kenny: so i can relax for another week
Dvan: hehe
Kenny: im getting closer to a job
Kenny: they want to give me a `personality test`
Dvan: heh
Kenny: it's a non-senior position though
Kenny: it even says "reports to senior sys admin"
Kenny: wat i ain't takin no orders from another sys admin
Kenny: :|
Dvan: And thats why they want a personality test.
Kenny: o dam
Kenny: im' not an idiot, i can work the system
Dvan: Don't be cray cray
Kenny: i can hide the crazy
Kenny: i dream about shooting my boss but im going to score all, "plays well with others" "caring and considerate" on this s**t
Dvan: and cray cray
Kenny: last night i was on the phone w/ my dad and to make a long story short, i offered to give him my password to this particular site...
Kenny: then i remembered that my password was "chickenf**ker"
Kenny: good thing he said no thanks
Dvan: ahh hahaha
Kenny: is this ur mom http://i.imgur.com/mhFO4hK.jpg
Dvan: No but LOLOLOLOLOL
Kenny: hehe
Kenny: that's someone's oblivious mom
Dvan: my mom's dead remember?
Kenny: s**t
Kenny: third day in a row of stock crash :(
Kenny: my poor money :(
Kenny: got a reply from an architecture firm, they want to interview me to be a server slave :(
Kenny: i'll probably do it if they confirm no easten europeans
Dvan: racist
Kenny: technically Yes
Dvan: wait. Poor Money? That's called "Karma" for not workin'!
Kenny: yeah I been looking at houses in Sellwood all morning
Dvan: So... What exactly are you supposed to do there?
Kenny: where I work now ?
Dvan: yea
Kenny: not sure
Dvan: no wonder you trade stocks
Kenny: if i hadn't moved back to bend once already, i might be doing it now
Kenny: but i ain't gonna do that twice
Kenny: actually portland is starting to get old
Dvan: wow what?!?
Dvan: hipster.
Kenny: haha!! no i want to get away from the hipstors
Dvan: you can't outrun yourself.
Kenny: i thought my boss installed a sensor above my desk to record me
Kenny: so on friday when everyone left i smashed it
Kenny: anyway then the cover popped off and i googled the numbers and it's a daylight sensor for offiec lighting
Kenny: whoops
Dvan: LOL
Dvan: Little paranoid?
Kenny: Yep
Dvan: Well, you should be - working for the Russians
Kenny: pretty sure we got someone campin in the bike room
Kenny: i seen him in there before with his laptop, today i entered, assumed i was alone , did my bike stuff and pushed the auto-door-opener button to exit
Kenny: but then decided i wanted to blow my nose so walked toward the shower area and he just pops out of nowhere
Kenny: looking all freaked and ran into the bathroom
Kenny: anyway i think he heard me open the door and that's when he diecided to come out - only i did not exit at that time
Kenny: creapy
Kenny: how do you walk up to someone's desk and not scare them? i always do it to people
Dvan: walk really hard on the floor?
Kenny: ok
Dvan: STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP HI!
Kenny: i would softly throat whistle as i am approaching but i am trying to stop it
Dvan: hah
Kenny: but it's very useful for that
Kenny: i do it in when walking in crowded places w/ my gf
Kenny: or in crowded group bike rides
Dvan: And what does your gf think of that?
Dvan: (throat whistle)
Kenny: she says at first she thought it was strange but now she accepts it
Dvan: heh
Kenny: says the same thing about that i talk to my cat
Kenny: hmm i just got a call from 503 number and was hoping it was about a job
Kenny: but it was "Tina from OPB"
Kenny: so i said, annoyed, "hi."
Kenny: she said "Oh, is this a bad time, did I wake you?"
Dvan: lol you ass
Kenny: I said, "No, but I have already donated to OPB this year and I assume you're about to ask for more money which I am not prepared to give this year"
Dvan: ha
Kenny: she said "No, in fact I just was calling to say thank you for your support"
Kenny: BS
Kenny: the african president has died
Dvan: I don't think he was the president at the time of death, but yeah, heard he died.
Kenny: ican't work b/c im distraught
Kenny: guess i will spend the rest of the afternoon balancing my mint.com budgets
Kenny: apparently the dead african president went to jail, now y would we celebrate a crooked president ?
Dvan: wtf really?
Kenny: now that i have a girlfriend i can just bring her & keep her on a tight leash!
Jon: lol sure, sure, that's how it works
Jon: more like she's keeping YOU on the tight leash
Jon: but you may not even know it
Kenny: she won meet & greet with macklemore, said i could come if i was interested (!!)
Kenny: got my pic taken but i was really nervous so my smile was forced
Kenny: name dropped a mutual friend but then by their reaction i don't think they really like this friend
Kenny: said he was my "homey" because i heard the black guy in their band say that a few minutes earlier and i liked how it sounded
Kenny: also stole a bottled water from the green room, im going to try and sell it on eBay as memorabilia
Jon: oh jeez. So let's see, you faked a smile while meeting Macklemore, referenced a friend he doesn't like using black slang that you've never used before.
Jon: winning!
Jon: lol
Kenny: yea
Jon: and stole from the green room.
Jon: and by "winning!" I'm being ironic
Kenny: :|
Kenny: i took a pic of bonnie raitt in the front row w/ flash on like a douchebag, ever since then my camera is completely broken
Kenny: what is this karma or ???
Kenny: security had to tap me on the shoulder and do the throat cutting gesture
Kenny: is that a threat!
Kenny: tonight i am going to meat macklemore backstage though
Dvan: Serves you right for having an iPhone, hipster!
Kenny: :|
Kenny: i going to have to factory restoer it :|
Dvan: aww
Kenny: i'll be sure to save off my blurry bonnie raitt pic first tho !
