This is a selection of IMs from my friend Kenny.
Enjoy at your own risk.
Kenny: in the bathroom i overheard two idiots
Kenny: "Hey... is it OK if there's blood in your pee?"
Kenny: --"Yeah, I think that's preferred. As long as it's yours"
Kenny: when i got back to my desk i noticed my fly was unzipped... apparently i wanted to get out of there fast
Mike: "US intercepts 'ricin' letter to Obama"
Kenny: ricin' isn't that what they say the asians do in hondas?
Kenny: whoops, sounds a lot more racist when i use the word `the`
Kenny: government tries to distance itself from religion but is always quick to say "our prayers are with XXX"
Kenny: guess that sounds a lot better than "good friggin luck"
Kenny: "we don't know s**t right now. But `our prayers are with you`. So that's something."
Kenny: heh so whenever we go to the burrito place for lunch (take out), my boss gets a ticket for not paying, cuz it's only 10 min
Kenny: so yesterday we were like "well you just wait in the car then"
Kenny: so the parking patrol comes by and gives him a ticket for waiting in the car... not paying
Kenny: i'm like DUDE you're supposed to PAY or DRIVE OFF when you see them!
Kenny: that's what i meant by wait in the car!
Jon: LOL
Never rob a bank with Kenny\'s boss.
Kenny: I heard Korea was pissed off @ us, not just in StarCraft, like RAM prices might go up etc, so i google Korean War and I get some crap that happened in 1953???
Dvan: *facepalm*
Dvan: Yeah my Dad went to Korea just after that war ended to help fix equipment and stuff.
Kenny: I just ate at the Korean BBQ foodcart, should I boycott or fire bomb??
Dvan: wtf
Dvan: you know there's TWO Koreas, right?
Kenny: not sure the protocol, i guess we could make internment camps too
Dvan: WOW
Kenny: if that's still trendy i don't know
Kenny: which korea makes hello kitty and keroppi?
Kenny: hopefully the good one cuz those guys r cute
Kenny: sometimes I tel people exactly what they want to hear, and they just stare at me
Kenny: at work that is
Kenny: other teams mostly
Kenny: and it's really confusing, are they just in awe? or they don't believe me
Kenny: probably I think our IT department is just so f**king slow that they're surprised when i agree to do things right away
Kenny: they won't even make a user account in time for a new employee
Kenny: they need like 5 days notice...
Kenny: co-worker was like "the new food cart is nepalese dumplings"
Kenny: i'm like NO IT'S NOT, IT'S HIMILAYAN FOOD
Kenny: after a bit of research I see I'm an asshole
Kenny: in our conference room table we got this opening where u can put cords down through
Kenny: well it has these bristles in it to stop regular objects from falling through
Kenny: during meetings my boss always "plays" fondles it
Kenny: during discussions, i think he doesn't realize
Kenny: so yesterday someone in the meeting was like, "blaine, what is your deal with sticking your fingers in the fuzzy hole?"
Kenny: OWNED
Kenny: killed the meeting
Kenny: he apologized and said it suddenly made sense why he liked it so much
Dvan: ahhh hahahahah
Kenny: wow, one of the sales clowns in the seattle office is demanding that we buy him a robot with an iPad face to represent him in meetings
Mike: So when you say "demanding", you mean actually demanding?
Mike: Do these people actually exist?
Kenny: yeah he was not like, " I think this would be cool", instead he said, "I need this"
Mike: I didn't realize our office was so "normal" compared to other places
Kenny: yeah your office is awesome, family company
Kenny: the s**t here is so idiotic
Kenny: they sent out an all-staff e-mail that some random graphics guy got a PowerPoint 2010 certification
Kenny: I think because everyone hates the IT department
Kenny: yesterday, my boss threw away some poor girl's lunch
Kenny: he said "it was green"
Kenny: she said "It was salsa."
Kenny: he got in trouble for parking in the other company's parking stall
Kenny: in the bathroom there is paper towel shreds all over
Kenny: bunch of animals
Kenny: sometimes in there i play this game, "Is this condensation, or is it piss?"
Kenny: to be fair I do remember smart solutions had an issue with piss on the seat
Kenny: last night i watched this documentary and it showed all these chickens being scooped up and made into meat and cows being milked with machines and i was like ohhhh horrible argh and then at the end they showed a high speed video of COSTCO and i was all oh, ok, that's cool, cuz costco is the s**t
Dvan: Wow horrible dude. Kinda like the picture you can find on the net of how McDonalds makes their Strawberry icecream colored Chicken McNuggets.
Kenny: wtf
Dvan: http://www.vegsource.com/2010/10/04/chicken_mcnuggets.jpg
Kenny: i guess they have fish nuggets now... that's asking for trouble
Dvan: that pic is chicken
Kenny: WHAT
Dvan: this is better http://jcornejoblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/mechanically-seperated-chicken-totally-looks-like-strawberry-soft-serve.jpg
Kenny: ahhh wow
Kenny: mechanically separated chicken eh
Dvan: Yup. Looks tasty, like a strawberry milk shake, right? NOPE.
Kenny: yeah that is freaky :|
Kenny: last weekend i went to a friend's house and their roommate was making bouillabaise
Kenny: whole bunch of people congregated and finally it was ready to eat
Kenny: well it's freaking SOUP it's freaking HOT
Kenny: it's thin, and STEAMY BROTHY HOT
Dvan: ok
Kenny: so i am frustrated cuz i am hungry, i am blowing on it a lot and i start thinking about it and i say,
Kenny: (while holding my scaling spoon full) "Do you guys think it cools faster if you blow on it, or across it?"
Kenny: which I thought was BRILLIANT like a breakthrough/epiphany, this could change my life
Kenny: and instead the guy goes HOW ABOUT YOU STOP BEING A PUSSY AND JUST EAT IT
Kenny: W-T-F
Dvan: lol
Kenny: "Umm if I burn my mouth then I can't really enjoy food for 24 hours" is what I said
Kenny: seriously do I come off as an autistic freak or what?
Kenny: i have PRACTICAL CONCERNS
Kenny: some chick was singing home on the range to her toddler but she got the lyrics wrong, she said "where NEVER is heard a discouraging word" but I believe the actual lyric is SELDOM
Kenny: I almost corrected her and indicated that actually, discouraging words could be heard on the range sometimes, it's not all rosy like she makes it out to be
Kenny: but i did not, now she go on in her denial, passing that onto future generations, we are doomed
Kenny: least my sandwich was good
Kenny: spilled some coffee on my brand new jeans. they look great now
palehorse: hate that
palehorse: I have a pair that after less than a month ended up with what looks like a little bleach spot
Kenny: actually there's something about portland style where u look good w/ stained clothes and messy hair
Kenny: girls try to have chipped finger nail paint
Kenny: so this is good
palehorse: hah
Kenny: saturday i took a nap before going out so my hair would be messed up
Kenny: hmm i have to tell jon this, he hates hipster crap
palehorse: lol
Kenny: Today I turn 27 on the 27th, this apparently means "golden birthday" on which u are supposed to do something wild'n'crazy like sky dive
Kenny: so this morning, I got a latte instead of an americano
Kenny: woooooo party!#*%
Kenny: wow, my boss is on the phone negotiating more money from the insurance company
Kenny: "The car is fairly well known in town, it's the only one with a nitrous system"
Dvan: wtf
Kenny: pretty sure that's not how it works
Kenny: pretty sure KBB doesn't have a category for "car is known around town"
Dvan: lol
Dvan: I wouldn't tell my insurance company if I had a nitrous system in my car...
Kenny: LOL yeah
Kenny: Not because they care what's in the OLD one unless it's an indication of what you're going to have in the NEW one
Dvan: hehe
Kenny: i guess (previous company) got burgled, "they stole some computers, some tea, and an 'alien cup'"
Kenny: the funny part is, my boss is always messing w/ these logitechs security cams and THEY DIDN'T RECORD CRAP
Kenny: he said "I guess the SD cards got filled..."
Dvan: lol
Dvan: fail
Dvan: Really? a cup?
Kenny: "with pens and pencils in it"
Kenny: more like, really, TEA?
Dvan: Burlars need their caffeine!
Kenny: I just like saying "burgle"
Kenny: my boss always puts objects in the printer output tray
palehorse: I have such a messed up picture of your boss
palehorse: lol
Kenny: i dunno, it might be accurate
palehorse: hehe, mabye so
Kenny: i can't read at work in the comfy chair anymore because his laundry is all over it
Kenny: dunno if it's clean or dirty, i ain't touching it
Mike: What kind of laundry are we talking here?
Kenny: socks and sweats
Kenny: this isn't his dry cleaning (That's hanging on the coat rack)
Kenny: i think sometimes he goes to the gym at lunch
Kenny: i think he needed to use his gym bag for something else once so he dumped out the contents
Kenny: that was at least a week ago though
* @palehorse shudders
They Love Dirty Laundry
Kenny: so he logged in with user's creds on his own machine
Kenny: user's password is Pooper
Kenny: just so y'all know
Kenny: cuz everyone here does now
palehorse: With a capital P?
Kenny: and some numbers!
palehorse: Please tell me int's not Pooper69
Kenny: LOL @ pooper69
Kenny: i used to take my headphones off when bossman was talking about operations, starting today i decided i don't care
(Yesterday, 2/19):
Kenny: guy behind me has been clicking a PEN all week
Kenny: i am so stealing it after he leaves tonight
Dvan: wtf
Dvan: hhah
Kenny: chomping nuts guy
Kenny: clicks pen too
Dvan: you should break it in half and leave it on his desk
Dvan: and smash nuts all over
Kenny: i shoudl just jam the clicky part
Kenny: lol
(Today, 2/20)
Kenny: ARGH i forgot to hide/sabotage the pen
Kenny: job posting for IT Server Admin for installations on mega-yachts
palehorse: nice
Kenny: "troubleshooting, maintainng, testing, building, and documenting IT & AV systems for various client yachts around the world - moderate international travel"
Kenny: also i like they require SAN experience. Really, some mofo out there has a FC SAN on his boat?
palehorse: wouldn't surprise me
palehorse: working for huge corporate moguls, drug dealers, etc...
palehorse: terrorists
Kenny: wow that sounds fun
Kenny: when you put it that way :D
Kenny: what I do with my weekends http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8110/8471213063_e5a5c6b39c_c.jpg
Dvan: lol wow
Kenny: some day in a couple years I will be glad I did that
Dvan: someday in a couple years you'll wish you had had a girlfriend instead of inventorying your wall warts.
Kenny: I decided I'm going to watch Annie Hall tomorrow
Kenny: and drink gin
Dvan: again, see my previous message. :p
Kenny: man there is a fire hydrant in front of my new favorite coffee shop which is great because there's always a place for me to park
Dvan: uhhhhh
Kenny: don't worry i always get it to go
Dvan: uhhhhhhh
Kenny: i'll be damned if i'm going to get busted in the 5 min it takes , OR if a fire is going to break otu
Dvan: http://www.cleanmpg.com/photos/data/2/Fire_hose_through_car.jpg
Kenny: hah
Kenny: THEY COULD HAVE MADE IT GO OVER
Dvan: maybe but it wouldn't have made the point!
Kenny: i'll leave my keys in it then
Dvan: heh
Dvan: Waiting to see your jeep in a version of that pic above
Kenny: some guy gave me a glare when i was parking in front of it
Kenny: so i might have to deal with that going forward
Kenny: after the symphony on saturday i decided to get a korean burrito
Kenny: so i walk up to the truck and it's blasting hiphop music
Kenny: place my order and i'm loitering, then a cop pulls up
Kenny: gets out and places his order
Kenny: now the hiphop music is about cocaine and shooting people, good stuff
Kenny: it's pretty loud, and some old guy hobbles by
Kenny: he's like WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE
Kenny: thought the cops were busting up a dance party or something, but no, just another evening in portland with people getting their tacos
Kenny: The sad thing about IPv6 jokes is that almost no one understands them and no one is using them yet.
Kenny: The problem with TCP jokes is that people keep retelling them slower until you get them.
Kenny: I have a great HTTP 302 joke, come over here and I'll tell you.
Kenny: Someone was telling me a HTTP 304 joke but I heard it before
Kenny: I tried to come up with an IPv4 joke, but the good ones were all already exhausted.
Kenny: apparently this is called ProtoLOL
Kenny: TTL jokes are short lived.
Kenny: RFC1918 jokes are inside jokes
Kenny: :P
