This is a selection of IMs from my friend Kenny.
Enjoy at your own risk.
Kenny: Whenever I see people crying on their roofs after the floods, I have to wonder....Doesn't that just make it worse?
Dvan: Wow. Really?
Kenny: not realy... but I don't want you to run out of updates for your IMs from Kenny page
Kenny: ate s**t on my bike trying to cross the wet abandoned RR track
Kenny: my bike is messed up and so is my hand
Kenny: first ever time biffing it on my bicycle as an adult, i think
Kenny: my hand is only scraped but stings like a MOFO
Kenny: at least my pants still look great
Kenny: uninstalling https everywhere
palehorse: was there a problem with https everywhere?
Kenny: yes, it fuct me on a particular site
Kenny: made lots of people think i'm crazy
palehorse: how so?
Kenny: http://www.formstack.com/forms/?1082568-dGiwRsgb7Y this is the form we use to create accounts and stuff for contractors
Kenny: formstack is a third party form building service
Kenny: not much better than your awesome Impact 2.5 forms section
Kenny: but anyway, https anywhere put https on that
Kenny: forced it i guess
Kenny: i got ERROR: We couldn't find your form. Please check the URL and try again.
Kenny: i escalated the "problem" through a couple people and they all said it worked just fine
Kenny: i insisted :/
Kenny: I was wrong :/
palehorse: hah
Kenny: i think i am going to start collecting the flyers they put up for company events, they are so awesome/hilarious
Kenny: they look professionally designed because... they are
Kenny: infographics and stuff too
Kenny: the latest one has a picture of the company president on it, who is not well liked
Kenny: curious to see if it gets defaced
Kenny: someone already put a snarky post-it note on it
palehorse: curious to see if you deface him
Kenny: in my 4 months we haven't crossed paths yet so i have no reason to be pissed
Kenny: i should grow a pair and meet with him some time
palehorse: all the more reason, no one would suspect you
Kenny: hah
Kenny: i might not know PHP but i can find variables in code called $max_size and make them bigger and this tends to make people very happy
Dvan: *facepalm*
Kenny: hey if i'm going into the bathroom and the COO is in there, and he asks me a question, can i pee while i answer?
Kenny: I was not sure the other day, so I went ahead
Kenny: touched my dick while I talked to the COO
Kenny: Yep.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Kenny: http://buy.stumptowncoffee.com/latin-american/guatemala-finca-el-injerto-gesha-varietal.html this s**t is like the iPhone 5
Kenny: $125.00 PER 12 OZ. BAG, Pre-Order, ROASTS & SHIPS MON.10/15/12
palehorse: um...no
Kenny: Where do I stand in line??
palehorse: spoken like a true iFanboy
Kenny: oh, they dropped the price? not interested anymore
Kenny: one of the can lights in the bathroom burned out - no pun intended. But it did make for nice mood lighting for poopin
Uhhhhhhhhh okayyyy...
Kenny: i locked my scissors with a padlock so now no one can use them without the key
palehorse: wow, pretty cut-throat around there huh?
Kenny: not really, just had a padlock and was bored
Kenny: now that my drupal is done i'm like wtf, now what
Kenny: heh
palehorse: lol
Kenny: CFO sez about my drupal: "Thank you for this client friendly, cost saving, integrated 21st century one source solution."
palehorse: one source?
Kenny: yeah never heard that one before
Kenny: one stop shop!
palehorse: Hehe, nice
Kenny: it's the Fred Meyer of file sharing
Kenny: with without the creepy bear
Kenny: some chick tried stealing my cart @ costco
Kenny: i had one bottle of wine in it and i stepped away for like a minute
Kenny: when i came back w/ my selection of fresh steelhead she was removing the wine
Kenny: i said HEY DON'T STEAL MY CART and she turned red
Kenny: i said DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A 60 SECOND RULE???
Kenny: honestly that was in her favor, I think it's more like 5 minutes
Kenny: f*ck, the Maps app on iOS 6 sucks ass
Kenny: now i have 2 reasons to get an android
palehorse: what's the 1st reason?
Kenny: they're not making a freaking dock
Kenny: i just want a simple dock so my phone is propped up nice and i can basically put it on the charger with one hand
Kenny: apple has made it for all iPhones up to now
Kenny: idiot COO said to buy an alarm clock dock
palehorse: lol
Kenny: apple drives me crazy with their unpredictability
Kenny: i should go to a verizon store and do a hands on with the s3
Kenny: WTF my boss just overnighted something from Hillsboro for $24
Kenny: I would have picked it up for that
palehorse: Not the sharpest tack in the bunch
Kenny: no, and, it's a Motherboard Power Extension Cable
Kenny: because he is so obsessed w/ building computers from scratch
Kenny: Fail
Kenny: Yeah that was Cool - in the 7th grade
Kenny: hopefully someday i get my boss's job yes
Kenny: IT manager
Kenny: then i am going to rock the house
Kenny: he's worked here for 15 years tho so I might have to kill him
Kenny: he has a big tank of NOS in his car and I am aware of how volatile the contents are
Kenny: ...
...
Jon: why does he drive around with a tank of NOS though?
Kenny: cuz it makes his car fastwhen he pushes a certain button
Jon: um
Kenny: he drives a BMW with the license plate INVAIN
Kenny: hmm, he must die.
Jon: that dude has a problem
Kenny: yeah he brought a dagger to work one day
Kenny: but all he ended up doing w/ it was opening CDW boxes
Kenny: sometimes he wears funny hats
Kenny: everything on his desk is red and/or black
Kenny: the kind of women that he is attracted to, he describes as a "hot mess"
Kenny: he likes them best when they're psycho
Kenny: It turns out that 16 percent of more than 1,300 iPad owners polled would be willing to "break a bone" to save their tablet
Kenny: i would dive into a bowl of piss for my iPhone, done it before even
Kenny: man if i could code PHP i would be unstoppable
Kenny: I was throwing my credit card at my monitor during the iPhone 5 unveiling
Dvan: lol
Kenny: nothing was happeningtho
Dvan: did you pre-order in time?
Kenny: NO i'm pissed
Dvan: aww
Kenny: i drank too much friggin wine and fell asleep
Dvan: you're SOL
Kenny: no, i can wait in line now
Dvan: will you get one if you do?
Dvan: enough in stock?
Kenny: ok yo, this week i'm going to go to Pioneer Place mall and case the joint
Kenny: I might even go up to security and ask which doors they unlock first in the morning
Kenny: hopefully they don't find it suspicious
Dvan: heh
Kenny: I am leaning towards the food court entry, BUT I think the line forms to the south
Kenny: so that means I would have to walk the length of the line to get in it, instead of arriving immediately @ the end of the line
Kenny: which would be the 4th and morrison entrance
Kenny: Hmmmm
Kenny: u wanna call in a b*mb threat for me?
Dvan: wow yeah, suspicious!
Kenny: but jsut be like "I promise I won't blow up any inventory"
Dvan: I heard that people are getting in line TODAY
Kenny: CRAP
Kenny: i almost bought Black Butte XXII but it had a date
Kenny: the date was 7/2013 so i was like cool
Kenny: BUT it says Best AFTER
Kenny: what-the-s**t
Jon: XXII? They recalled all of those bottles.
Kenny: WHATEVER NUMBER is the current one
Jon: Do you mean XXIV?
Jon: ah
Jon: yeah, those are 11% aged beers. They will get better with age.
Kenny: why would they sell a beer that can't be drank for a year!#%*$$@
Kenny: can i drink it now anyway?
Jon: It's as much a marketing thing as a beer geek thing
Jon: Of course you can drink it now, jesus
Kenny: I don't want to break some beer code
Kenny: some code of ethics
Jon: Do you follow every instruction on a label?
Kenny: i don't want Pliny the Elder to strike me down
Kenny: from mount olympus
Jon: OH you've already broken the beer code by loving on Rogue as much as you just did
Kenny: lol
Kenny: Cool, I started using the developer bathroom
Kenny: it gets a lot less traffic
Kenny: poor devs now!
Kenny: i sort of look around a bit and then run in if no one's around
Kenny: i don't want a replay of my 1st week, when i went upstairs, and someone said, "OH HEY KEN, WHAT ARE YO UDOING UP HERE?"
Kenny: umm, takin my craps in ur toiletz
Dvan: Yeah, poor poor devs...
Kenny: man last night some idiot vommed at this party but the weird part is today i keep smelling phantom puke
Dvan: GROSS
Kenny: YEAH i know it can't be real because i showered and these are fresh clothes and my office has a regular cleaning crew
Kenny: so traumatic
Kenny: all the other dudes were trying to analyze what he ate
Kenny: i mean it's not hard, it's all right there on the walk
Dvan: eww
Kenny: makes it hard to get a taxi, i even offered the cabbie a $20 tip
Kenny: he thought about it for a few min and drove off
Kenny: smart guy i guess
Kenny: anyway it was the first time hanging out with this dude in 6 years. I'll wait another 6, I think
Dvan: hehe
Dvan: PTSD?
Kenny: PTPD
Dvan: lol
Kenny: yo - some idiot friend ate mushrooms last night and started howling at Departure
Dvan: wtf
Kenny: they kicked him out and i took him home, but this morning i found $20 and a pack of tic tacs in my car
Kenny: score?
Dvan: lol!
Kenny: of course this happened as soon as i got a drink
Dvan: heh
Kenny: OH and then he was howling on the sidwalk, so i went to (name removed by admin) (the restaurant of the hotel i used to work at), asked for a water in a cup, then when he spilled it and i went to get a refill, they LOCKED THE DOOR
Kenny: so much for hospitality
You\'re dead to us!
Kenny: btw iPhone 5 is going to rock, once the tent in my pants goes down i am pitching one in fromt of the apple store
Dude! TMI!!
Kenny: wtf is the deal with burrito bar having two sour cream stations along the line
Kenny: at the very beginning she says "sour cream?" i say yes
Kenny: then we do the meats and corn and crap and at the end she's like "sour cream?"
Kenny: i'm like what
Kenny: she's like "SOUR CREAM?"
Dvan: they wanna make sure you get your sour cream!
Kenny: i'm like what? i mean she couldn't be asking the same thing again
Dvan: lol
Dvan: is it consistent?
Kenny: JESUS I DON'T NEED IT IN TWO WAVES
Kenny: she says never mind and asks if i want cilantro
Kenny: idiots
Kenny: no, i been there before and there was no two sour craems
Dvan: heheh ok
Kenny: i don't need them changing the burrito workflow on me
Kenny: oh, then i ask for Limon Jarritos and he's like "I've never heard of that flavor"
Dvan: lol
Kenny: so then I ask for LIME and he gets it and he's like "oh this is limon, you went all spanish on me"
Kenny: WTF IT'S A BURRITO BAR
Kenny: in hindsight i didn't get enough sour cream on my burrito today
Dvan: SEE? They're making sure you get enough!
I told him about the sour cream!!
Kenny: although I probably would get a dog when I got a hizzy
Jon: well, who can blame you?
Jon: "hizzy"?
Kenny: HIZZOUSE
Kenny: come on man, PLUG IN
Jon: Whatever Snoop Dog
Jon: I don't speak "fake"
Kenny: lately i seen NavTeq cars in portland
Kenny: not google branded
Kenny: their camera is bigger too
Dvan: wow
Kenny: i been waiting for the right time to expose myself to one
Dvan: uhhh expose?
Kenny: Hmm
Kenny: poor choice of words
Dvan: "expose"?
Dvan: yea
Kenny: Though I could probably get away with full frontal
Dvan: yeah. That's what I thought. Exactly what you meant!
Kenny: lol
Kenny: JUST BECAUSE IT'S A POOR CHOICE DOESN'T MEAN IT AIN'T MY FIRST CHOICE
Dvan: lol
